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Feb. 1st, 2008 07:21 pmI'm at karaoke night at New River right now, and there is hardly anything going on. I shouldn't have come.
Oh, and I hate February 1st.
I thought maybe if I went to something that I usually enjoy, then something good could happen on this day for once, but I just couldn't be that lucky. Sometimes I wish I had never started coming to New River for events. I have friends here, and I enjoy that part . . . but sometimes I don't think I deserve whatever happiness I have found here.
You'd think after 13 years I would have managed to forgive myself for wishing Eric was dead, but I just can't. I don't think I deserve to be able to forgive myself, or to have any friends or anything. And this time, I don't think anyone can pull me out of this.
When the group fell apart back at Saint Leo I handled that, barely. Now, maybe that day that was predicted has come. That day when I will be all alone, because that is what I deserve.
Oh, and I hate February 1st.
I thought maybe if I went to something that I usually enjoy, then something good could happen on this day for once, but I just couldn't be that lucky. Sometimes I wish I had never started coming to New River for events. I have friends here, and I enjoy that part . . . but sometimes I don't think I deserve whatever happiness I have found here.
You'd think after 13 years I would have managed to forgive myself for wishing Eric was dead, but I just can't. I don't think I deserve to be able to forgive myself, or to have any friends or anything. And this time, I don't think anyone can pull me out of this.
When the group fell apart back at Saint Leo I handled that, barely. Now, maybe that day that was predicted has come. That day when I will be all alone, because that is what I deserve.
